New Fundraiser: Smoked Meats
By: Phil Droege
As I was walking through the St. John’s Christmas Bazaar perusing the quilts for any stitching flaws or machine use on the items labeled “hand quilted,” my eyes wandered up to the stage and fell upon the gambling opportunities associated with the baskets of cheer and other items. I ran into Tom Kane placing some large bets on a basket of vintage postcards and we started to chat about how to turn a perceived vice into a fundraising opportunity.
We pulled up a chair at the small rickety table reserved for Protestants out
in the hallway and started to make some calculations on the back of a napkin.
After running the numbers Tom looked me in the eye and said, “If I am given a
free hand I can put this organization into the black in six months.” Here is
his proposal. 
As many of you know Tom’s job as an ethics officer at the American Bar Association gives him plenty of leeway to use his company’s resources for non-job related work. As Tom was surfing the net one workday he came across some used barbeques/smokers that were repossessed from a cockfighting emporium down in southern Maryland. He immediately jumped on it and purchased them at a bargain price.
“Ever since I bought these three years ago I have been honing my smoked meat skills so now I tell people ‘If you can kill it, I can smoke it and have it on your table within 24 hours,’” Tom said with a disconcerting hint of pride in his voice. “Since I have this talent, I thought I should use it for the good of the Church, so I am going to create the St. John subscription only smoked meat of the month club. For only $120 you will be able to have 12 smoked items delivered to your door throughout the year.”
“Tom, the costs, what about the costs of the meat? Won’t that eat up any profits?” I said shaking my head.
“I have two solutions to this problem. One is hunting and gathering meat to smoke from the surrounding area. For example the first dish on the menu which will be ready for Easter dinners will be smoked starlings. If you look around these birds are plentiful and will remain so until they build up a resistance to West Nile Virus. My second solution will be to work with a meat broker that I met down on the wharf. He works out of the back of a Ford Pinto and is able to pick up reduced cost, recycled meat from throughout the city.”
“Tom, the time, what about the time and labor to do all this smoking?”
“No problem. Since the ethical standards of lawyers are above reproach my staff at the ABA only needs to work about one day a week. The other days they come over to my house and tend the coals.”
After giving it some thought I said, “Tom, this might actually work. What are the next steps?”
“Well I love to have lavish parties for the St. John community at my house anyway (Author’s note: I have never been invited over to the Kane’s – Phil), so I was thinking of a having a smoker tasting party at my house after the Easter Vigil Mass. If possible can you put the invite in the electronic newsletter you write for?”
“Consider it done, Tom.”
